Where We Are Now

Do you ever wonder how you got to this point in life?  Is it what you thought it would be?  Jacob and I often reflect on our life, our past dreams, and how they compare.  Since we have been together since childhood, we’ve had plenty of time to dream and many of those dreams came from innocence and naivety, and therefore are either not capable of reality or we just don’t want them anymore.  Eleven years after we wed, though, we are mostly where we hoped to be (give or take some of the more minor dreams), yet it doesn’t feel like the dream felt.  Why is that?

I know, I know, this blog is usually just about the happenings in our life and our sweet boys.  Nothing deep, nothing too serious.  But I like to write and that is what I needed to do.  In a time before blogs I’d have written the following in a journal to never be seen again.  This way I will likely re-visit it and hopefully be positively impacted again.  Maybe you will be, too, but I won’t count on it.  Brace yourself, it’s long.

A few weeks ago Jacob and Josiah were at the huntin’ camp and Elijah and I were home sick and missing church.  During his nap I decided to read the LifeWay lesson I’d be missing in Sunday School.  I’m glad I did.  I’ll be taking it out of context here, as the lesson points toward injustices on humanity such as abortion and human trafficking, but this is what spoke to me.

The lesson book says the following:

“One of the challenges of this stage of life is the rapid pace of change.  Things change faster in your 20s and 30s than in any other period of your life.  Relationships come and go.  Career paths are started and restarted.  Families begin and grow.”  (No wonder I’m often tired!)  “Some of the changes we experience fit with the plans and time frames you’ve set for yourselves, and you love those.” (Yep!)  “But at other times, change comes out of nowhere and you’re left wondering what happened and how to respond.”  (Been there, too.)

“Trying to figure out God’s plan, whether or not life is going how we want it to, is a constant challenge, but one that shapes us into men and women after God’s own heart.”

It goes on to speak about Psalm 139, the focus of the lesson, which contains familiar verses about being “fearfully and wonderfully made” and “all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.”  It speaks of God’s plan for us and how it may be different (sometimes vastly so) than our plan for us and how to reconcile our will to His.

Then it speaks of a verse I had never noticed, am somewhat shocked by, and hesitantly love.  It is Acts 13:36 which says “For when David had served God’s purpose in his own generation, he fell asleep (died)”  What?!?  When he had “served his purpose” he just died?  First, God had a will and a purpose for him (me too!) and that purpose definitely was not what David had set out for (knowing his background, surely that is true), but he had fulfilled it anyway.  Then he just died! :)  I guess this is a concept I was well aware of, but had not ever thought of it in this manner because I’m spoiled.  I think Americans are spoiled in general because we tend to think we deserve a certain life and we expect it.  In reality, I don’t deserve a whole lot of anything.  Certainly not fulfillment of God’s will for me.  What could be more grand…and scary.

Anyway, on to the more personal stuff.  So, as I said, Jacob and I are pretty much where we’d hoped to be.  We both are working in jobs with a similar setup that we’d hoped for.  Granted, Jacob is making a change but it is still with self employment working with his hands outdoors.  We have started the beautiful, beautiful family that we had hoped and prayed for.  We are headed towards our house (better late than never) and we have everything we need, and then some.  What more could we ask for?  Well, it is great, but I’ll admit it isn’t as blissful as hoped.  Each day seems hard for some reason.  The details wear us down.  We were so silly to think it would feel like a dream.  Don’t get me wrong, when I stop to smell the roses, so to speak, it does feel pretty darn good and I feel overwhelmingly blessed as a smile comes to my face and I take in a deep breath….but then I return to the stovetop with a baby fussing and clinging to my leg and Josiah maybe running amuck or spreading toys everywhere (I smile as I type that!) and I’m waiting for Jacob to get home.  All while packing everything we need to go to work and the sitter’s the next day only to come home late to eat the meal I worked hard to prepare in advance.  It wears me out, but it is beautiful.

Are we fulfilling God’s purpose?  I think so, but maybe not completely.  Is it supposed to feel wonderful?  Probably not, but in the end I think it will give peace.  (I suddenly feel more blessed just in writing this and I don’t know where to go with this or what my point was now!)  I think we just get so caught up in the everyday details that we didn’t have in mind when we were 19, that we fail to see the bigger, more beautiful picture, but it really is there.  God put it there.  He designed it.

One concept that I have struggled with over the last several years as I started to realize that life has some harsh realities is: who am I to think I deserve some particular rosy life?  There are plenty of great people who dearly love God and have been dealt a bad hand.  Maybe having these expectations and hopes for myself and my family is incredibly selfish and spoiled.  The lesson talks about how every 45 minutes about 1,800 people die from dirty water and it would only take 10 billion dollars to give clean water to the entire planet (a lot, I know, but our national deficit in insanely larger and we are just beginning to object to it!).  It also says that 95% of abortions are done out of convenience.  CONVENIENCE!  In veterinary medicine we don’t even support convenience euthanasia!  Also, every 40 days 250,000 people die of AIDS in Sub-Sahara Africa.  So, why should I have a perfect family, job, and home?  Why do I whine about constantly cooking when my pantry is full and we are alive and healthy?  Maybe our view of what God would have for us is skewed by the “American Dream”.  Regardless, I know he loves us dearly and has a plan for us that will fulfill his purpose if we are just brave enough to accept.

Here are some more passages that I found encouraging or just plain awesome from Psalm 139:

“You hem me in – behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me.  Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.”

“Where can I go from your Spirit?  Where can I flee from your presence?  If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there…”

“Your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”

And one of my favorites…"Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.  See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”

Here are a few passages that have been taped to my bathroom mirror for about 2 years that I find reassuring:

Isaiah 30:18 Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion.  For the Lord is a God of justice.  Blessed are all who wait for him!”

Isaiah 30: 21 “Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, “This is the way; walk in it.” “

Isaiah 46:3-4 “Listen to me, O house of Jacob, all you who remain of the house of Israel, you whom I have upheld since you were conceived, and have carried since your birth.  Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you.  I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you.”

And finally, the all too familiar Jeremiah 29:11-14.  People often only focus on 11, but the rest is vital. “ “For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.  Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.  I will be found by you,” declares the Lord…”

Wow!  if you made it this far, I’m impressed.  I hope you got something out of my reflective ramblings.  If not, thanks for giving me the space to think.